I will preface this by saying if you are reading this and don’t have a bambino, it’s just going to be a bit gross. So I apologise and perhaps you’d prefer to do something far more fun, like watch this or this or this.
1. I will not discuss this often here because it is TMI, but I still have flashbacks to the day I found myself pouring (yes you read that right, pouring) my baby’s poo into a specimen jar to take to the doctor because I was worried about his nappies at the time. As the pouring (there it is again) was taking place, I was singing and chatting away to Zee as if this was the most normal thing to do in the world. It isn’t, but it is surely a definition of unconditional love, and why I mention it here.
2. Baring all in public. I don’t mean streaking, but in some social situations I still struggle to deftly feed Zee myself. I get flustered and self conscious and make a total boob of it. So for situations when I think it’s going to be too stressful, I thank Ron he took to the bottle like his mother I mean the little star he is.
3. I was incredulous when the doctor told me that if I was still worried about Zee’s bad nappies, I should just take one to the health visitor to check. But . . . but that would mean saving it and putting it in my bag and taking it with me and presenting it to another person and asking for their opinion. I did it nevertheless. And still cringe every time I see that lovely, unsuspecting HV at weigh-ins.
4. Laughing in a sweepstake situation. As my due date came and went, so came the sweeps, when a midwife dons the rubber gloves and attempts to get that baby moving. It is eye watering and toe curlingly embarrassing the first time, but the ice was broken (though not my waters) when the first one commenced, and H said quietly ‘Well this is awkward isn’t it?’ Oh yes, and how much more awkward it was all going to become.
5. Thinking it is acceptable to go out with vomit on my clothes. Yes it’s true and to hell with it, some days I could barely move the exhaustion was so vivid, so if there happened to be a little bit of baby sick I had wiped away somewhere about my person, then quite frankly I didn’t give a damn. Though I drew the line with it being in my hair. I have enough bad hair days these days as it is.